You Know You're in the SCA When

© Jeff Evarts, 1992-2013

You Know You're in the SCA When
You View the World as a Scadian When
You Know You're a Scadian Parent When
You Might Be A Stickjock If
You Might Be Married To A Stickjock If

History

Thanks go also to Mark S Harris who built one early list.

Contributions

• your spell checker knows "marchpane", "cothardie", and "bransle".

• you overhear the 10-year-old at the next picnic table quoting Macbeth... accurately.

• you've ever been cooking and run out of galingale.

• you've ever wondered "can I find a green and orange plaid in a suitable fabric weight?"

• you spent more money this year on your period housing than your mundane housing.

• there's an anvil in your bedroom.

• your aerobics routine includes galliards

• your university diploma is "tucked away somewhere" but your AoA is framed and on display on the most prominent wallspace in the house.

• you yell "Huzzah" at mundane events instead of cheering "normally".

• a sideless surcoat is the sexiest thing in your closet.

• you can eat equally well with a dagger or a fork.

• after a party you ask yourself: "Hm. Now where are my clothes?" and you're stone sober and fully dressed.

• the axe you're using to chop wood is one you made yourself.

• your future husband's wedding garb costs more than yours, and has more trim.

• the books-on-tape in your car include: Cooking for 500 or more, Autocratting Pennsic, and Beginning Welsh.

• buying black walnuts and ferrous sulfate from a health food store means a new "dye" not a new "diet".

• you practice birth control religiously from All Saint's Day to Candlemas so that you won't be too pregnant to go to Pennsic.

• the decorating scheme of your home is "bookcase eclectic".

• you've brushed your teeth with beer, because it was easier to find than clean water.

• after viewing this list, your non-scadian significant other chuckles for days, while you mutter to yourself, "I don't see what's so funny about that."

• you have period garments for a black-tie event, but no mundane ones.

• you heard two stories this evening that started "No sh*t, there I was..."

• the words "couldst", "wouldst", and "shouldst" come more easily to your tongue than "chicken".

• you consider wearing 3 different tartans at once to be high fashion.

• everyone at your graduation wants to know where you learned to bow.

• In your kitchen a Rondel, a ballocks dagger and a stilleto are close to hand, but a breadknife is nowhere to be found.

• someone has threatened to get "Prehistoric on your ass",

• you have two different .signature files, which have no words in common except the email address.

• someone asks you where you got your chainmail hauberk, and you reply, "In 200 foot rolls at Home Depot."

• you know every line in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail by heart.

• you're a burly guy who looks like a Hell's Angel, but you do embroidery in public.

• at a formal dinner party, you politely grab your sleeve to keep it from dropping in the food, only to realize you're wearing a suit.

• during a conversation, you avoid using the other person's name, not because you don't know it, but because you can't pronounce it.

• you've decorated a cake in celtic knotwork.

• you return to work after a weekend event, only to find you left all your money in your belt pouch.

• you sometimes wear your jackets closed only by the top button and without putting your arms through the sleeves.

• you're watching what's been billed as the most romantic scene in any movie ever, and all you can think is: What kind of armor is he wearing?

• you can and do curse in Gaelic, but you aren't Scottish

• your teddy bear has better garb than you do.

• your garb closet is bigger than your clothes closet and the clothes are in better condition.

• you watch the old replay of the Crowning of the English Queen Elizabeth II and you recognize peoples' ranks by the Coronets they are wearing.

• while watching the crowning of Queen Elizabeth II, you remark to your lady, "We could use that stuff at our Coronation".

• you visit a period castle, notice the draperies and bedspreads, and think of what lovely clothing they would make.

• you visit a period castle, museum, historical site, etc. and you can spot the mistakes in the tour guide's lecture.

• you get a question about OOP programming techniques on a Comp Sci exam and think: "ALL programming is Out Of Period".

• [you're male and] your girlfriend, not you, is the bored one being dragged from fabric/clothing store to fabric/clothing store.

• [you're male and] you have to worry about a run in your stocking when you kneel to propose to your fiance.

• you get a Christmas card in the mail and you look at the shepherds and background figures with a magnifying glass to see the costuming details.

• you sneer at "the Burger King" saying, "He's wearing a ducal coronet".

• you hide the really awful costume references in the stacks at the library, so future costumers won't be led astray. Or, you write criticisms in the margins of said awful costume references.

• you reality check wargames and role-playing games by saying "That's wrong! I know that Duke Swaetsox can do X... (where X = some combat-related feat), I've seen people do that in the SCA!"

• you watch Henry V (or the Zefferelli Romeo and Juliet) over, and over, and over again - for the costumes/fighting scenes.

• your immediate family consists of only two rather small, thin people, but you justify your purchase of a full-sized van/pickup truck saying, "We'll need the extra space for events!"

• your reaction when you see some sort of handicraft is "I can make that" or "I can buy that from Mistress Seamchecker for half that!"

• you're annoyed because the armor at the art museum isn't displayed so that you can get a good photograph of the back/insides.

• you're in Europe and you pass up famous OOP sites to see tiny little places that might have related to your persona.

• when you make a new recipe you take out the potatoes, tomatoes and peppers, because they're OOP for Europe.

• you choose your language courses in college based on what your persona would have spoken. (...Man! I'm really bummed out that they aren't teaching Anglo-Saxon this semester...)

• your reference section on your field of interest is better than the equivalent section in the local library.

• you've been asked by a museum curator what your opinion is regarding the item at hand.

• you slip and begin a letter, "Good Milord..."

• you slip and address a coworker as Milord or Milady.

• you slip and date a letter, "The Tuesday before Michealmas, A.S. XXVII" (or whatever).

• you're annoyed because your new printer didn't come with Luxhaeiul miniscule or Batarde as one of the standard fonts.

• people don't assume that you're going in for surgery when you say, "This weekend, I'm going to get my knees fixed".

• your idea of a sack lunch is mince-meat pie, cold mulled cider and wafers left over from the feast the week-end before.

• your hobby takes more of your time than your job.

• you start to wear your hair the way your persona might have worn his/hers. (...Smith, it's not so much the waist length beard, but do you really have to braid it?...)

• you sign a check, using calligraphy.

• you name your pets after obscure historical figures.

• you name your children after obscure historical figures.

• you can give blazons for your pets.

• people think you're in a commune because you're always talking about your "household".

• people think you have a roommate because your answering machine says "Neither Fred or Froddi are in right now..."

• people assume that you're an exchange student/recent immigrant because they hear people calling you by the most outlandish names.

• you have to remind yourself not to call that tourist in the checkered golf pants "Sir" just because he's wearing a white belt.

• you see a college diploma on a friend's wall and the first thing you ask is "Who did the calligraphy?"

• you read a book that involves the plague and can diagnose which of the two or three types of plague it is from the symptoms.

• you go to endorse your paycheck at the local ATM, and the only pen you have is a dip style pen for calligraphy... and you have the ink!

• you receive telephone calls at work for your SCA name... and your coworkers know who it's for!

• you've published scholarly papers under your SCA name.

• your bank will cash checks for your persona.

• you have a credit card in the name of your persona.

• someone calls your company and asks, "Could I speak with the King please?" and the operator says, "Just a minute and I'll connect you to his Majesty".

• you take a college course in medieval history, and find out you already own the textbooks.

• you cry "Lay On!" when serving at raquetball. {or tennis, or...}

• while hunting for a travel route you spend a half-hour hunting for "Ben Dunfirth" in your atlas, and then realize you need the mundane name for the city.

• you describe your company's logo to the printer's shop using heraldic terms.

• instead of having dreams about being out in public with no clothes on, you have dreams about being at an event in mundane clothing.

• you go running up the stairs at work and reach down to hold the hem of your underdress up so as not to trip over it... and you're wearing pants.

• you dress your decorative lawn elves/animals in period garb matching your own.

• your friend's idea of camping involves a backpack and yours involves a U-haul.

• you can cook an egg on a rock, but not toast in a toaster.

• you can make a loaf of bread faster than you can program a bread machine.

• you make all your own bread and you don't own a bread pan.

• your adventurous non-SCA friends wangle invitations for Sunday supper so they can sample the feast leftovers.

• you talk your bracemaker into covering the plastic parts with leather and using buckles instead of velcro... and you dye them to match your arms.

• your bedroom contains more SCA-craft equipment than furniture.

• your family is Russian, but you speak only English and Gaelic.

• your 8-year-old daughter gets a poseable Barbie for her birthday and you immediately see if she can assume all of the heraldic positions with an eye toward a future heraldry class.

• your wife asks you "Do you want me to buy you some black tights for the wedding we're going to this weekend?" and you say YES.

• your husband has more pairs of tights than you do.

• you and your partner are all set to set up your new law firm, but after consideration, you both agree "Better if we wait until after Pennsic".

• you know which kingdom an event site is in, but not which state.

• your friend invites you to a "dress nice" party, and you realize that your best looking clothes are your court garb.

• your friend tells you her new boyfriend works in a fabric store and your first thought is "How cool!"

• the only time you can see your living room floor is when your van is packed for an event.

• your bible study is going over the Armor of God... and they ask you to bring examples.

• you see a mother tenderly picking a splinter out of her son's hand with a shortsword.

• you pull out a wax tablet to write down someone's email address at an event.

• you buy 15 bicycle cups on sale (for codpieces) but are confused when the guy asks if you need a helmet. (You don't fight)

• you raid Burger King's supply of paper crowns for your ADULT friends.

• you buy a bottle of booze just for the neat pouch.

• you've bought groceries based on the period-ness of the bottle they came in. ("That vinegar bottle would look great filled with mead...")

• you go to a Catholic mass with your in-laws, and you spend the whole time admiring the garb on the priest and in the stained glass windows.

• you have to find something else to wear on Halloween, because your garb just doesn't feel like a costume anymore.

• your coworkers seem a little concerned that you're planning a "period" party, and you're male.

• you reflexively begin dancing a bransle when you hear the musicians start up at the entrance to your Ren Faire.

• "dining room large enough for a dozen scribes and all their equipment" or "yard big enough to hold a fighter practice" appears on the must-have list for your new house.

• you can't decide whether to wear the celtic garb or the Italian garb for a costume to your company's costume ball.

• you go to the hardware store and ask for a drawknife for shaving rattan, only to have them explain that no one makes them anymore.

• your "best china" consists of wooden feast gear and drinking horns.

• the worst loss of your flooded basement is not the washer or the furnace, but the scrolls you were framing...

• you plan your car-trip vacations around events happening in other kingdoms, and even pack accordingly.

• your mom gives you a book about chivalry for your birthday, inscribed with the words "chivalry will never die as long as there are hearts as true as yours"

• you see a road-killed kangaroo and wonder if you could use its pelt for garb... and you have a knife in your truck for situations like this... only to pause wondering if you can get away with a kangaroo fur cape, or is it OOP?

• [you're male and] you see an attractive woman in a skin-tight black velvet dress, and your primary thought is "Wow!! What I wouldn't give for ten yards of that!"

• you're babysitting and you wonder if they'd give you the curtains as pay

• you do bransles to Christmas music when you hear it in the mall.

• someone mentions "The World's First Great Event", and you think of Pennsic I, not the first ice age.

• the gynecologist asks "When is your period?", and you answer "Early 14th century".

• you answer your own front door with "Who goes there?"

• you go to a funeral and spend your time looking at the great pavilion over the grave site and wonder where they got it

• sharpening your knives, axes, swords and spears is not only an entire evening's work, but an entire evening's entertainment!

• you start wearing your tankard and belt pouch around with your mundanes, because it's so darn convenient.

• you don't think twice about inviting all your friends over to watch "Scourge of the Black Death" on the History Channel, and have no doubts that almost everyone will come.

• you can make a chainmail hauberk by yourself, have done so, and given it away as a "perfect wedding gift".

• "Two helmets, Anglo-Norman style preferred" appears on your wedding registry.

• you've called your dorm ahead of time to ask if it's OK to keep swords in your room.

• you realize you've used porta-johns more often than "flushies" recently.

• a gift certificate at an upholstery store was one of your favorite birthday gifts this year.

• the worst news you've had all year is that the Tandy Leather store near you is closing!

• you're disappointed that your British Literature textbook doesn't have Beowulf in parallel text.

• you enter your lady's boudoir for the first time, and the first words to escape your lips are "Nice sewing machine!".

• costumed people going into Rocky Horror have asked you about your "funny clothes".

• you've ever been refused entrance to a store/bank/concert because of your belt knife.

• [you're female and] you've walked straight into a door on a Monday morning because you just expected the coworker you're entering with to stop and open it for you.

• you consider duct tape to be a "school supply", as do your children.

• your mundane friend came over because he was looking for duct tape and he was sure you'd have some lying around.

• your favorite birthday present was a roll of that really shiny duct tape.

• you get duct tape in your Christmas stocking.

• your kid gets a cardboard punch out castle and you take it away from him and put it together yourself, point out the flaws in the architecture, and based on your assessment of the flaws in the architecture, figure out how you and your household could capture it if it was a real castle.

• your kid gets a bunch of plastic knights, and you swipe them to outline your tactical ideas for the next war/fighter practice with your friends.

• instead of one of those "cutesy" sweaters, your dog wears a chainmail hauberk.

• your dog knows how to bow to royalty.

• your cat understands "Hold!"

• your cat wears an elizabethan ruff, and likes it!

• you give directions to the parking lot: "It's on the dexter side of the road just past the stump". (They're also in the SCA if they get there with no more questions.)

• you can't cross a large dining hall at a mundane dinner without feeling you should curtsey/bow to the royal presence.

• you automatically evaluate any large dining area or hall for its suitability and probable availability for an SCA event.

• you unconsciously dip your head to the senior vice president of your company when you pass her in the hall.

• you have to fight the reflex to curtsey/bow to the catholic priest at high mass.

• you curtsey/bow as you pass the bridal couple

• you curtsey/bow to the judge at a hearing

• almost any reference to sheep makes you giggle.

• bad heraldry and/or costuming has ruined an otherwise decent movie for you.

• a truly bad anachronism has ruined an otherwise good romance novel for you.

• you're in the university's financial aid office and see a sign "LINE FOR PELL GRANTS" and think "That's a painful way to work your way through college."

• you see a sign that reads "TANNING" and comment to your spouse "I wonder what kinds of skins and hides they have?",

• you see a sign that reads "FENCING" and you wonder about their price for foils and epees.

• a truck passes you on the highway labeled "MAKERS OF THE FINEST BELTS AND HOSES" and you think they're carrying garb!

• you see an ad saying "LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN BOWS" and are disappointed when you realize they're talking about tying ribbons.

• you see a sign for a "SPINNING CLASS" and wonder why they'd teach it at a sports club...

• you see a magazine ad that begins: "You wouldn't take a period remedy for your headache..." and think, "What, leeches? Herbal infusions?" before you notice the rest of the ad reads: "So don't take a headache remedy for your period".

• you see a nun in the grocery store wearing the habit for her order and you think to yourself "what nice garb she has" without thinking twice about the fact that you're not at an event.

• you catch yourself thinking "'Gules, three chevrons or'. Nice tabard. Classic Anglo-Norman style, easily visible. Oh! I guess it'd better be visible, he's a road repair worker!

• you hear there's a new movie out called "The War of the Roses" and are disappointed to learn it's about a messy divorce!

• you see "FIELDS OF ARMOR" listed as a program on The Discovery Channel, and are very disappointed that it's about tanks.

• a magazine article titled "FULL ARMOR" piques your interest, but when you start leafing through the magazine expecting to see pictures of helms, breastplates, etc., you're disappointed to discover that it's an article about a PC security package.

• seeing someone in full plate, a tabard, and Reeboks does not strike you as odd.

• you see a large sign saying "COMING SOON: THE VIKING YOUTH ACADEMY", only to be disappointed that it's a daycare center.

• you see playground equipment (swings, seesaws, etc) and think "Siege Engines!"

• you rush out to see a movie called "CELTIC PRIDE", but storm out ten minutes later when you find out it's about basketball.

• a "WEBSITE DEVOTED TO ICONS" disappoints you when it's not about religious relics, but only about some silly downloadable bitmaps.

• a sign on the side of the road says "MCDOT", and you see "McDot", not Montgomery County Department of Transportation.

• you don't see a field of cows, but a field of leather.

• your child recognizes that tune as "Greensleeves".

• your 16-year-old is more interested in getting his fighter's card than his driver's license.

• you provision all the props and costumes for a school production of a medieval play from your closet.

• you've used a heater shield as a baby gate.

• you've planned a trip to the fabric store into "Date Night".

• your children learned to dance pavannes before the Hokey Pokey.

• your daughter skips in perfect pivas.

• your children spend almost a week of Scout camp trying to convince the Scoutmaster that their cuirbolli is a "useful object made out of leather" and should therefore count towards the Leatherworking merit badge. Likewise their greaves for Metalworking.

• your children want a broadsword as a high school graduation present

• your children show better manners with live steel than they do with a fork.

• your children've fought in the back seat about who has to be the East, and who gets to be the Middle.

• while their classmates can play the piano and violin, your child can play well on both the lute and viol de gamba.

• your child is upset because you're going to court today without her, because she doesn't understand difference between traffic court and SCA court.

• your bedtime conversation with your 9-year-old centers around forms of address for royalty when they are a duke, knight, and prince at the same time.

• your children have to produce a picture to prove to their teacher that they did in fact spend the weekend with the Mongols, whom the teacher had insisted were all dead.

• your son has run away from being tagged, calling "Light!"

• your toddler has diaper tabs of duct tape, so at least he looks something like daddy.

• "a doumbek" appears on your child's birthday list.

• you have to warn your two-year old not to hit anyone with his sword that ISN'T WEARING ARMOR.

• while trick-or-treating, someone asks your son what he is, and he replies: "I'm Guy de Lacy, a pre-tabard 11th century Norman who settled near Cornwall!"....

• they don't know their right hand from their left hand, but they do know their sword arm from their shield arm.

• your five year old daughter, who is watching a video of the scottish wedding scene in the Gene Kelly version of Brigadoon, looks up and says in a clear scornful voice, "Bad Pennsic Garb!!!!"

• you overhear your three-year old meeting new little friends at the playground and he asks, "What's your name?" then "What's your SCA name?"

• your child's "what I did last summer" paper describes how much fun it was to watch their best friend kill a complete stranger.

• your child decorates their school folders with celtic knotwork.

• their teacher complains that their handwriting is so bad that it's illegible, and when you examine it you find it's norse runes. (YKYITSCA TOO if this makes you proud)

• your six-year-old chooses to write her first book report on "The Pennsic Wars and Living Medieval".

• your kid can't make the high school baseball team because he/she swings the bat like a bastard sword.

• your 4th grader writes an essay in school about a time when she "felt special" and writes about the time Daddy carried her favor in a tourney and how great it was when he won his first 2 bouts and how disappointed she was when he got killed in the semi-finals and then the teacher calls you and wants to know if your husband has died.

• your child`s pre-school teacher asks the children to name one item they would take camping, and she pipes up with "A Sword!". (The little girl in question has never been camping EXCEPT at SCA wars.) The Christian pre-school teacher was best described as "not amused".

• your 11-year-old is going over spelling words and shrieks in delight when she sees "parry"... and you suggest her sentence should be "A rubber chicken is an ineffective parry weapon".

• your kids make fun of the "square bread" at the grocery store.

• your son is taking Woodshop so he can make toys, and Home Ec so he can run a feast kitchen... and his friends see what he's making in metal shop and stop hassling him about taking Home Ec.

• their 5th grade teacher asks them "what is a Duke" and they quickly answer: "Someone who's been king twice!"

• you ask your 8-year-old daughter what she wants for her birthday, and she replies "Armor, so I can be Queen like Mommy someday!"

• your child is asked "What does your daddy do?" and answers "He's the king of Texas and Oklahoma!". Subsequent attempts to convince the principal and teacher that he/she is not lying are also fun.

• your child looks around, worried, and whispers "Where's the king?", and you remind her, "Honey, this is church, not an event".

• your child asks you to cut his sandwich "per saltire".

• your young son gets your attention by kissing your hand.

• your child is in Kindergarden but can spell cotehardie.

• you get investigated by Children's Protective Services for "cross-dressing" your little boy...
  and you call your Baroness to get you out of it...
  and it works.

• you buy a TOWN out of rivets.

• you can describe the tactics, strategy, weapons, armor and troops used in hundreds of medieval battles, but don't know why they were fought.

• you can open a beer bottle with a claymore.

• the clatter of dropped kitchenware has had you looking for an unseen opponent.

• you show up for work on Monday with the most interesting bruises. (Or possibly a chain mail weave sunburn).

• after you learn that your friend has only one kidney (born that way, apparently), your second thought (after "that's weird") relates to fixing her armor.

• you mash your thumb with a hammer and cry out "Light!"

• you get chain mail as a wedding present.

• a man says "Whoa! Nice legs! Hubba hubba!" and he's talking about your armor.

• you mutter "What a waste" every time you see rattan lawn furniture.

• you rattle when you walk, because you're wearing a mail shirt under your shirt.

• street signs look like armor trees, round shields, war shields...

• the crowd of ladies you are escorting to the shopping mall are heading to the wrong door you shout SHIFT LEFT! SHIFT LEFT!

• you're bruised black and blue every Monday morning.... and you enjoyed getting that way.

• you pick up the trash bin lid and automatically snap it up to a defensive position.

• you're wearing chainmail to the office hidden under your jumper because you need to get used to moving round in it.

• you sneer at sword fights in films because any fool can tell they're not within striking distance of their opponents.

• you're in the front row of the company staff photograph and tell your neighbor to dress the line.

• dessert is served in stainless steel dishes and you start speculating on how easy they would be to beat into shield bosses.

• you used to have a wok, but now you've got a spangenhelm.

• you were asked to find a broom handle to work a jack with and couldn't find a broom but came back with a longaxe and a spear.

• you can't raise your arms above horizontal on a Monday morning.

• you're daft enough to lock the keys in your van, but you managed to pry a window open with your sword.

• you consider a blue card and an authorization card two pieces of documentation.

• you consider Arts and Sciences a weekend off between lists.

• you're parking your friend's car, and (being extremely nervous) he shouts "HOLD!" as you're backing up... And you hit the brakes.

• you find yourself incapable of small hand motions and can only move your whole arm, or at best, wrist flicks.

• [you`re female and] "You're so aggressive!" is a compliment!

• you see a beautiful member of the opposite sex sitting on a Rattan seat and you realize that you are staring. At the chair.

• someone mentions research and you say "Why? School's out right now".

• you would rather pack your halbard and your pike instead of food on your way to war.

• you are cleaning up after an event and all that you can think of is how great this aluminum table edging would be on a shield. And for that matter, drop the legs and put on a handle, it's good light plywood, well reinforced, a little on the large side but maybe for war...

• you slow down on the highways when there's no traffic because you`re looking for a new shield boss.

• you get your van stuck in a bog, but escape by unloading the shields and driving out over them

• after an event, while getting dressed in mundanes, you don your swordbelt and weapons.

• you ask the guy at the Welder's Supply store for 16 gauge steel wire for chainmail and he gives you a blank looks and asks, "What's chainmail?"

• your sweatpants have holes in the knees and rust stains, because you wore your armor over/under them.

• you answer "What are you doing with all that wire?" with "I'm knitting a skirt."

• you receive a Tandy Leather sales flier in the mail, and don't think twice about the fact that the leather therein is being advertised as "perfect for regulation SCA combat".

• there are leg armor and vambraces baking in your oven. (To make sure the wax really penetrates)

• you've ruined your deep fat fryer using it to melt wax.

• you cut your wedding cake with a bastard sword

• your wife announces that she will be cleaning her skirt, then fills a bucket with sand (to remove the rust)

• you go into the bathroom to shave, and instead of nylons hanging from the shower rod, there's a collection of helm bonnets.

• a student greets you in a Monday morning class by asking "So, did your wife kill anyone this weekend?"

• you think that "SCA" stands for Silly Cretins in Armor.

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